Harry's Hacker Livin Life
by Sisters in Crime
Summary: Harry Potter, the wizard, has a secret life devoted to hacking. He and his new friends (the characters from LOTR) have to find out who knows about Harry's secret life, and along the way find out who is trying to kill him now.
1. Pink Pudding

Harry Potter sat up from his study and noticed a message typing its way across the computer screen.  
"Wake up, Wandie," the message read. Wandie's was Harry's hacker name, one of the many things that separated his hacker life from his magical life. No on knew he was a hacker, and this message gave him the nervous feeling someone knew who he really was. Startled by this unusual calling, Harry cautiously pulled out his wand. He tried many spells to exit out of this strange communication program, but nothing worked. Feeling desperate, he tried one more spell, which only resulted in the wand flying backwards, hitting him on the forehead. Harry restored his nose to its original size, and looked back to the screen. The message had disappeared and a new one began.  
"Follow the pink Aragorn," Harry starred in confusion as he heard a knock on the door. He turned off his computer screen and opened the door. Gasping at first, Harry looked upon Aragorn, King of Gondor who was, oddly enough, covered in pink pudding. Harry allowed himself to be ushered down the hallway without a single question.  
"You need to unplug," Aragorn told him. Harry sighed and thought, "well, I have been up all night, I could use some R&R." They came to a restroom and Aragorn lead him inside to find the cast of Lord of the Rings and an out of place Rose (from Titanic) covered in pink pudding, and waiting to be showered.  
"The bathtubs are filled with pink watery pudding," Aragorn said. "The cast of Star Wars forgot to unplug the bathtubs and nobody here wants to do it." Harry frowned at the almost overflowing bath tubs filled with thick watery pink pudding.  
"You need to unplug," Aragorn urged Harry. Harry rolled his eyes and pointed his wand at the tubs.  
"Unplug-er-ooshama!" Harry began. But before Harry could finish this rather lengthy spell, he fell to his knees and slapped his hand to his forehead in pain.  
"My scar," he cried in a voice lower than any woman could handle, let alone expect. Arwen, Rose (from Titanic) and Frodo all came to Harry's side.  
"What is it?" Aragorn asked handsomely.  
"My scar," Harry said, "I think it means dangers coming."  
Just then Snape stormed into the room, throwing the door to the wall, and marching over to Gandalf. Gandalf had been engrossed in his Shire weed, and was paying little attention to both Harry Potter and the pink pudding dripping from his beard.  
"What have I told you," Snape garbled in his thick British accent. "You are a Hogwart's student, you can not bring your crazy pudding parties to this school."  
Gandalf smiled up at him.  
"Professor, Snape," he exclaimed joyfully, throwing his arms around Snape in a big hug, and smearing pink pudding all over his black robe.  
Snape sighed feeling exasperated.  
Legolas left Gandalf's side and went to kneel next to Aragorn, Gimli, and Bormomir. He found Harry Potter propped up in the arms of two women and a man who wished he were one. Harry had attracted much of the attention he so preferred and decided to play up the whole idea of his scar bringing danger and pain to his future.  
"Will he be alright?" Legolas asked Aragorn.  
Aragorn shrugged as the woman began to comfort him with words and gifts.  
"You can have the Heart of the Ocean, Harry. I hope this will comfort you." Rose said sympathetically. "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets, and I share every one with you."  
Harry took the necklace to his chest and attempted a dramatic smile, coughing slightly as he tried to look as helpless as possible.  
"You can have my immortality," Arwen said as she pulled an elfish necklace out of her pocket and put it in Harry's hand. "I would rather die young, then live a lifetime without you having it." Aragorn frowned and pulled the same necklace from around his neck.  
"I thought this was your immortality," he said looking betrayed. Arwen put a hand to her mouth and gasped.  
"Oops," she muttered almost silently.  
"You mean to tell me this is a fake!" Aragorn shouted. With that Aragorn stormed out of the room and left Arwen by Harry's side.  
"All these gifts mean nothing, Harry," Frodo added quickly. "I am of the same sex as you, I know what you want more than the other women do." Harry sat up quickly but remembered he was trying to look helpless so he lay to the floor and looked to Frodo weakly.  
"The ring of power?" Harry asked. Frodo shook his head.  
"No," he replied. "I lost that a while ago." Legolas jumped up.  
"You mean the Fellowship has been tracking through the mountains, killing orcs, and rowing down rivers all this time for nothing?" he asked angrily. Frodo nodded.  
"I guess you could say that," he replied. Legolas stormed out of the room to catch up to Aragorn.  
"Well?" Harry asked. "What is it you want to give me?" The two women looked expectantly towards Frodo.  
"Purple Teletubbies," Frodo replied pulling two stuffed animals out of his pocket. "Come cuddle." Pipen picked up Harry's wand from the floor and gave it a wave. A burst of pink pudding flew across the room and hit Snape dead in the face. Snape slowly and angrily wiped the pudding away from his face and turned toward Pipen. He approached him preparing to injure, but before he could close his hands around Pipen's neck, he noticed Harry lying among three women. Correction, he noticed one of them only looked like a woman but was really a man.  
"Wandie!" he shouted.  
Harry jumped up forgetting that he was in the arms of two beautiful women and one man and stood before Snape.  
"How did you know that name?" Harry asked. Snape looked away nervously.  
"Lucky guess," he replied.  
"Ha!" shouted Harry," That was no lucky guess!"  
SILENCE!" Snape shouted quickly. "Potter, get over here!"  
"I was only-," Harry began. Snape glared as Pipen stepped up to return Harry's wand. FLASH! A huge flash crossed the room, sending the cast of the Lord of the Rings and everyone else in the room to the floor. Snape stood up and crossed over to Harry holding him to the floor with his foot.  
"Do you hear that, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked slowly. "That is the sound of punishment. That is the sound of your detention, Mr. Potter."  
"My name," Harry said trying to push himself up, "Is Wandie." With one last attempt to stand up, he failed. He lay there under Snape's weight unable to move. The women could be heard sobbing from the minor wounds they had received from the flash, but the men left them to their tears to go to Frodo who was laying, as always, helplessly in the corner.  
"Can't you ever be a man, Frodo?" Boromir asked.  
Frodo sighed.  
"You don't understand," Frodo, replied weakly, "The Ring weighs more and more upon my heart each and everyday. I have hardly the strength to continue."  
"But you no longer have The Ring, Frodo." Gimli added.  
Frodo frowned.  
"Oh yes," he replied. "At least I had an excuse for a short while." 


	2. Detention

Chapter Two: Detention  
  
Snape cleared up the pink pudding with one wave of his wand, and marched the cast of Lord of the Rings, a still out of place Rose (from Titanic) and Harry to the Detention Room down the hall. This room was the typical Hogwarts room. Tall castle walls, candle lit and the all too familiar skeletons hanging by their thumbs from the ceiling. "Sit," Snape ordered, pointing to the multicolored inflatable chairs. Each chair was a different color, and they were all lined up as if they were normal classroom chairs. The only thing that seemed different was that there were no desks and the chairs were five inches from the floor. "I'm not sitting in those," Rose cried indignantly. "Yes you are," Snape replied. "Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do, you do not know me," she cried. "Clearly you have lost all Sense and Sensibility, for I have married you, therefore I know exactly what you will and will not do," "Then you should know, that I would not sit in those chairs," "Sit!" Snape said firmly. "I should have married Jack," Rose cried making her way to the back of the room pouting. "Yes, but his heart is quite.frozen, by now, wouldn't you say?" He paused and there was a humorless silence followed by Snape's echoing laugh as he found his own joke increasingly funny. "Woo," he said wiping a tear from eye. "Take your seats," He rounded on the group cruelly. "All of you, now!" All stood still for a moment staring at the inflatable chairs. "I get the flowered one," Frodo called as he quickly ran to the middle front chair. After this, everyone not sitting, made his or her way to find a seat, including Samwise, who scooted a chair closer to Frodo, and made sure that he was as comfortable as possible. "Do you need anything Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked. Fordo kicked up his feet and stared at the ceiling as he began to twirl his hair. "Ummm," Frodo said as he bit his lip and turned to thought, "Got any gum?" Sam pulled out a piece of grape bubble gum and handed it to Frodo. "Here you go Mr. Frodo," Sam replied, "It's the last piece but you can have it," Harry Potter had taken his seat next to Frodo, rolled his eyes and turned to Aragorn and Legolas. "I think someone is trying to kill me," Harry told them. Snape who had been passing by turned to Harry. "Have you ever read your books Mr. Potter," Snape snarled, "Everyone is always trying to kill you." Harry stared blankly. "Are you trying to kill me?" he asked. Snape rolled his eyes and pulled out a piece of parchment labeled, "Ways to Kill Harry Potter" Harry quickly read the list aloud.  
  
Dismemberment Lower slowly into a cauldron of liquid hot goo Dress as Hagrid, pretend to be best friend, and eventually hack head off ***Icicle (perfect murder weapon)*** Screamin' Green and Yellpin' Yellow Tinker Toys  
  
Harry looked up in horror. "Screamin' Green and Yellpin' Yellow Tinkertoys?" Harry shouted, "You're sick, man!" "What?" Snape asked taking the parchment and putting it neatly in his pocket, "I like those colors." Snape turned on his heals and returned to his desk. Harry turned back to his conversation with Legolas and Aragorn. He was greeted by Legolas's suspicious stare. "So," Legolas said, "Who do you think is trying to kill you?" Harry shrugged. "Don't be so hasty to figure this mystery out Legolas," Aragorn said, "We need to find a way out of here first," Harry rounded on Frodo whose gum chewing and hair twirling had become increasingly annoying, and shouted, "Knock that off!" "Mr.. Frodo needs his gum," Sam commented. "Besides," Frodo said wrapping another piece of hair around his finger, "This is the only way to keep my curls curled. I left my curling iron at Bag End," "Oh here you go Mr. Frodo," Sam replied, " I packed it before we left the Shire," Frodo blew and enormous bubble which popped very loudly. Legolas jumped to his feet, put an arrow in his bow, and pointed it dangerously at Frodo's head saying, "Hold you gum!" Suddenly Snape looked up in interest, and added "arrow to head" on his "Ways to Kill Harry" list. "Will you hold it for me?" Frodo whined as he chucked it as Legolas's silky smooth, fake blonde hair. "That's it!" Legolas yelled as Frodo turned his back to him. He released the arrow only to find it disappointedly bouncing off Frodo's head. Frodo, without turning around, parted the hair on the back of his head. "Mithril!" Legolas cried astonished. "You come well prepared young hobbit," Aragorn told him, "But not always to the liking of others." Aragorn turned around as he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. Arwen sat innocently holding out a piece of paper folded creatively and labeled, "Aragomi". "I wrote you a note," she said. Aragorn took the paper, and stubbornly threw it to the floor, and Arwen turned away pouting. Gimli who had fallen asleep, with loud snores everyone tried hard to ignore, began talking in his sleep. "Really bad eggs." he grumbled. The classroom stared in confusion as he continued: "Drink up me hearties yo ho!" "Is there something he wants to tell us?" Merry shouted across the room. "Piracy's the only way," Gimli added. Everyone rolled their eyes and went back to their business. "We still need to find a way out of here so we can find out who's trying to kill me," Harry said. "I know a way out," Merry cried proudly, pulling out a firecracker. "Where did you get that?" Harry asked. "Pocket's, Potter," Pippin spat across the room. Harry wiped his glasses. The firecracker was shaped, oddly enough, as Cartman. "Who's that?" Arwen asked. "Cartman, haven't you every watched South Park?" Pippin asked. Merry and Pippin looked to each other and quoted simultaneously, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" and erupted in laughter. "Come on, light it," Legolas urged the stupid fat hobbits. Pippin pulled out a match and lit the firecracker. "You're supposed to stick it in the ground," Merry said. "There is no ground!" Pippin replied. They both stared at each before screaming, "Run!" Gimli awoke with a start. "Rum?" He shouted. "Everyone run, quickly!" Aragorn yelled. He looked to see if Snape had noticed the chaos, but found him bopping his head to his headphones singing softly, "My loneliness, is killing me," In an unexpected high pitch screech. Aragorn shook his head in disgust, and caught up with everyone else at the door. He followed their gaze to see Gandalf looking into space smoking his weed. Gandalf gave a great puff, and instead of a lovely sailboat, he manipulated the smoke to form a quickly sinking Titanic. "It still doesn't look any bigger than the Mortania," Rose said. Everyone turned to her with eyebrows raised for a moment, then turned back to Gandalf. The firecracker went off, and Aragorn began to usher everyone out to the hallway as the room began to catch fire. Frodo lingered behind and stretched out a reaching hand towards Gandalf and yelled, "Gandalf!!!" (In slow motion, if you want to make this dramatic). Boromir swiftly lifted Frodo from the floor, turned around a set him down in the hallway. "He's gone, Frodo," Boromir said shaking Frodo melodramatically, "He's gone!" "I know," Frodo, said, "I'm over it," Boromir turned from Frodo and announced, "Follow me! While you were fooling around in there, I concocted a plan that will help us figure out who is trying to kill Harry," "I'm not coming with you," Rose said softly. "What?" Legolas asked. "I'm doing this with or without your help, but without, it will take longer.where is the crewman's passage?" "No clue," Aragorn said shrugging and in a tone that suggested he did not care. Rose pulled back hurt, close to tears, and began running down the hall, arms flaring, screaming, "Jack!" (This can also be seen in slow motion, if one preferred). 


End file.
